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Well, I would love to get into an open conversation with my wife about this subject. I am bi and enjoy sucking cock but she is turned off by any thought of sex and would probably throw a fit if she knew. We have been married over 30 years and since she had female surgery, our sex life is almost non-existent. She has a lot of female friends and enjoys their company and I don't know if she has considered having sex with any of them but since she no longer has a desire for sex with me I wouldn't be surprised. I had a friend for years that I had "lunch" with from time to time, until she made some comments about my boyfriend. I made the mistake of telling him and it scared him off for a long time. He thought that she had to suspect something to say that. When she referred to him as my boyfriend, I just said yeah sure, I have a boyfriend. I thought that she might pick up on that and continue the conversation but nothing. I definitely don't want to jeopardize my marriage but would love to find something that would fire up her interest. I need another male friend because our marriage seemed better when I had some man to man sex occasionally.
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How do you discuss being bi with your wife? Opening up with the wife
#2
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Posted 19 September 2009 - 03:36 AM
Every relationship is different and there is no doubt that coming out to my wife was one of the hardest things Ive ever done in my life but it has also been the most rewarding. I came out to my wife early 2007 over breakfast one Saturday morning. The first year it just kind of simmered, my wife didnt really want to talk about it, the second year was a year of increasing acceptance and understanding.We discussed my same sex attraction a lot. With acceptance there was no longer any shame and I became open about my bisexuality to the wider world around us. We are well into our third year and are working out how having a bi husband translates into real world. I am fortunate that my wife has several close female friends sadly she is not sexual with them but at least it means when Im off with my bi/gay friends she is not home brooding alone.
We are still working out acceptable boundaries of what I can and cant do but we have 100% trust so I am free to socialize with my gay bi friends even on overnight trips and if that includes being naked with them thats ok too. I am a very visual person so I can get a lot of pleasure just from our naked time together. My wife and I are still active with eachother so there is a strong consideration of my not bringing home any of the nasty things out there. I feel as though shes not the one thats bi so why should she have to put up with health issues so that I can have my fun. That said the groundwork is in place so that if like with so many women the home activity should stop I can easily transition to more activity with the guys. In the meantime Im very happy with the freedoms I do have.
The other benefit to being out is I can openly enjoy my solo pleasures videos, toys, role playing etc. Like I said we each need to evaluate our own wives and our own situation but coming out has been nothing short of fantastic for me. Im happier which makes our marriage happier. My wife and I have every intention of spending the rest of our days very happy together. It took a lot of communication, lots of time and a genuine desire to make it work. Once the genie is out of the bottle there is no putting it back. Im out to my adult children, my Mom and Dad and just about anyone else who cares (and some who dont LOL)
There is a real joy in getting up everyday and celebrating the person I really am. Good luck with your journey
We are still working out acceptable boundaries of what I can and cant do but we have 100% trust so I am free to socialize with my gay bi friends even on overnight trips and if that includes being naked with them thats ok too. I am a very visual person so I can get a lot of pleasure just from our naked time together. My wife and I are still active with eachother so there is a strong consideration of my not bringing home any of the nasty things out there. I feel as though shes not the one thats bi so why should she have to put up with health issues so that I can have my fun. That said the groundwork is in place so that if like with so many women the home activity should stop I can easily transition to more activity with the guys. In the meantime Im very happy with the freedoms I do have.
The other benefit to being out is I can openly enjoy my solo pleasures videos, toys, role playing etc. Like I said we each need to evaluate our own wives and our own situation but coming out has been nothing short of fantastic for me. Im happier which makes our marriage happier. My wife and I have every intention of spending the rest of our days very happy together. It took a lot of communication, lots of time and a genuine desire to make it work. Once the genie is out of the bottle there is no putting it back. Im out to my adult children, my Mom and Dad and just about anyone else who cares (and some who dont LOL)
There is a real joy in getting up everyday and celebrating the person I really am. Good luck with your journey
QUOTE (fldad46 @ Sep 18 2009, 04:34 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Well, I would love to get into an open conversation with my wife about this subject. I am bi and enjoy sucking cock but she is turned off by any thought of sex and would probably throw a fit if she knew. We have been married over 30 years and since she had female surgery, our sex life is almost non-existent. She has a lot of female friends and enjoys their company and I don't know if she has considered having sex with any of them but since she no longer has a desire for sex with me I wouldn't be surprised. I had a friend for years that I had "lunch" with from time to time, until she made some comments about my boyfriend. I made the mistake of telling him and it scared him off for a long time. He thought that she had to suspect something to say that. When she referred to him as my boyfriend, I just said yeah sure, I have a boyfriend. I thought that she might pick up on that and continue the conversation but nothing. I definitely don't want to jeopardize my marriage but would love to find something that would fire up her interest. I need another male friend because our marriage seemed better when I had some man to man sex occasionally.
#3
Posted 19 September 2009 - 09:33 AM
Thanks for sharing your experience. I don't think my wife would accept it that well. We will see.
QUOTE (creative @ Sep 19 2009, 04:36 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Every relationship is different and there is no doubt that coming out to my wife was one of the hardest things Ive ever done in my life but it has also been the most rewarding. I came out to my wife early 2007 over breakfast one Saturday morning. The first year it just kind of simmered, my wife didnt really want to talk about it, the second year was a year of increasing acceptance and understanding.We discussed my same sex attraction a lot. With acceptance there was no longer any shame and I became open about my bisexuality to the wider world around us. We are well into our third year and are working out how having a bi husband translates into real world. I am fortunate that my wife has several close female friends sadly she is not sexual with them but at least it means when Im off with my bi/gay friends she is not home brooding alone.
We are still working out acceptable boundaries of what I can and cant do but we have 100% trust so I am free to socialize with my gay bi friends even on overnight trips and if that includes being naked with them thats ok too. I am a very visual person so I can get a lot of pleasure just from our naked time together. My wife and I are still active with eachother so there is a strong consideration of my not bringing home any of the nasty things out there. I feel as though shes not the one thats bi so why should she have to put up with health issues so that I can have my fun. That said the groundwork is in place so that if like with so many women the home activity should stop I can easily transition to more activity with the guys. In the meantime Im very happy with the freedoms I do have.
The other benefit to being out is I can openly enjoy my solo pleasures videos, toys, role playing etc. Like I said we each need to evaluate our own wives and our own situation but coming out has been nothing short of fantastic for me. Im happier which makes our marriage happier. My wife and I have every intention of spending the rest of our days very happy together. It took a lot of communication, lots of time and a genuine desire to make it work. Once the genie is out of the bottle there is no putting it back. Im out to my adult children, my Mom and Dad and just about anyone else who cares (and some who dont LOL)
There is a real joy in getting up everyday and celebrating the person I really am. Good luck with your journey
We are still working out acceptable boundaries of what I can and cant do but we have 100% trust so I am free to socialize with my gay bi friends even on overnight trips and if that includes being naked with them thats ok too. I am a very visual person so I can get a lot of pleasure just from our naked time together. My wife and I are still active with eachother so there is a strong consideration of my not bringing home any of the nasty things out there. I feel as though shes not the one thats bi so why should she have to put up with health issues so that I can have my fun. That said the groundwork is in place so that if like with so many women the home activity should stop I can easily transition to more activity with the guys. In the meantime Im very happy with the freedoms I do have.
The other benefit to being out is I can openly enjoy my solo pleasures videos, toys, role playing etc. Like I said we each need to evaluate our own wives and our own situation but coming out has been nothing short of fantastic for me. Im happier which makes our marriage happier. My wife and I have every intention of spending the rest of our days very happy together. It took a lot of communication, lots of time and a genuine desire to make it work. Once the genie is out of the bottle there is no putting it back. Im out to my adult children, my Mom and Dad and just about anyone else who cares (and some who dont LOL)
There is a real joy in getting up everyday and celebrating the person I really am. Good luck with your journey
QUOTE (fldad46 @ Sep 18 2009, 04:34 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Well, I would love to get into an open conversation with my wife about this subject. I am bi and enjoy sucking cock but she is turned off by any thought of sex and would probably throw a fit if she knew. We have been married over 30 years and since she had female surgery, our sex life is almost non-existent. She has a lot of female friends and enjoys their company and I don't know if she has considered having sex with any of them but since she no longer has a desire for sex with me I wouldn't be surprised. I had a friend for years that I had "lunch" with from time to time, until she made some comments about my boyfriend. I made the mistake of telling him and it scared him off for a long time. He thought that she had to suspect something to say that. When she referred to him as my boyfriend, I just said yeah sure, I have a boyfriend. I thought that she might pick up on that and continue the conversation but nothing. I definitely don't want to jeopardize my marriage but would love to find something that would fire up her interest. I need another male friend because our marriage seemed better when I had some man to man sex occasionally.
Will S Cox
#4
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Posted 19 September 2009 - 05:39 PM
my sexual situation at home is similiar to yours... non existent... at most it was a difficult issue throughout our marriage do to baggage she carried in regard to sex with men prior to our meeting... i told her, i'm paying the price for the unsatisfactory sexual experiences you had prior to our marriage... in all other areas a fabulous wife...
i had teen sex with buddies then 0 until a few years ago, a 55 year span... an opportunity occurred and i took advantage of same... reminded me of my teen days...and i have experienced pleasurable m2m nsa sex since then... an excellent substitute for what is not happening at home.
recently my wife asked me if i was having an affair.... obviously she meant with woman... there is nothing in my activities that would indicate i were having an affair... just her own guilt in regard to our non sex life. she admitted that is what drove the question. she also brought up the subject of her own demise.."would i then look for a younger woman"... i said yes "a forty year old and only if she were nymphomanic"!!!
when she asked that question i could have said, no not an affair... just occasional sex with like minded married males... males generally in the same situation sexually.... obviously i did not do that... i don't think she would have handled it well... even though as a marriage counselor she has heard every story possible in regard to cheating husbands and wives... including bi sexuality on either part...
the thought of coming out to her and eventually the rest of my family, friends and such is far removed from my mind... my life is just fine as it is... i've come to personal terms with my m2m sexual experiences, suffer no guilt etc..... why upset a very nice situation and cause what would be emotional problems for me...
possibly the only benefit would have one of my supposedly totally str8 male friends say..."hey why didn't you tell me before?.... when can we get together??? LOL
i had teen sex with buddies then 0 until a few years ago, a 55 year span... an opportunity occurred and i took advantage of same... reminded me of my teen days...and i have experienced pleasurable m2m nsa sex since then... an excellent substitute for what is not happening at home.
recently my wife asked me if i was having an affair.... obviously she meant with woman... there is nothing in my activities that would indicate i were having an affair... just her own guilt in regard to our non sex life. she admitted that is what drove the question. she also brought up the subject of her own demise.."would i then look for a younger woman"... i said yes "a forty year old and only if she were nymphomanic"!!!
when she asked that question i could have said, no not an affair... just occasional sex with like minded married males... males generally in the same situation sexually.... obviously i did not do that... i don't think she would have handled it well... even though as a marriage counselor she has heard every story possible in regard to cheating husbands and wives... including bi sexuality on either part...
the thought of coming out to her and eventually the rest of my family, friends and such is far removed from my mind... my life is just fine as it is... i've come to personal terms with my m2m sexual experiences, suffer no guilt etc..... why upset a very nice situation and cause what would be emotional problems for me...
possibly the only benefit would have one of my supposedly totally str8 male friends say..."hey why didn't you tell me before?.... when can we get together??? LOL
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Posted 21 September 2009 - 11:26 AM
I agree with you FG. Many people say we must come out (gay or bi or whatever) for our own mental well-being. Well, I don't buy it.
I think some people who want you to "come out" just want more people to be "part of the club." In some respect they are selfish - they don't care whom they hurt as long as they "feel good about themselves."
I cannot feel good about hurting people whom I love and who love and respect me. Maybe these people don't respect me for what I really am, but I believe no one really knows another person. We all keep secrets.
I think some people who want you to "come out" just want more people to be "part of the club." In some respect they are selfish - they don't care whom they hurt as long as they "feel good about themselves."
I cannot feel good about hurting people whom I love and who love and respect me. Maybe these people don't respect me for what I really am, but I believe no one really knows another person. We all keep secrets.
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Posted 21 September 2009 - 12:01 PM
I think sometimes I would like to come out to my wife but only because I think it would add a new level of eroticism.........but I won't do it and I'm not gonna do for all the reasons Bear just said.........I agree all the way! I have 40-plus years in my closet and I have enjoyed every step of the way.....I can't even spell the word guilt....I only wish I could have 40-plus more!
Ken
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Posted 21 September 2009 - 01:50 PM
thanks guys... you basically have affirmed my own thoughts on coming out to my wife... yes, kennan i have thought of blurting it out in regard to my m2m contacts... i think by doing so i would hurt her deeply and add to the guilt she now harbors in regard to the sexual issues in our marriage...
interesting though she is acquainted with four of the men... a deceased friend (from teen times and one time as an adult some 35 years ago), my best friend from those teen days (still see him , no sex involved)... my cousin and a close college friend, both more recent contacts... on occasion as they live in the east.
no truer has the old saying ever been "let sleeping dogs lye"
interesting though she is acquainted with four of the men... a deceased friend (from teen times and one time as an adult some 35 years ago), my best friend from those teen days (still see him , no sex involved)... my cousin and a close college friend, both more recent contacts... on occasion as they live in the east.
no truer has the old saying ever been "let sleeping dogs lye"
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Posted 21 September 2009 - 03:54 PM
Im sorry if my post left the impression that coming out was the only way to go. In my particular case with my particular wife if was the right thing for me to do. Far from hurting my wife she now understands why I used to go off on these depressed brooding spells. I dont do that anymore and together as partners and best friends we look to a wonderful future together.
I am much happier but far from being selfish I think it makes me more fun to be around as a husband, as a husband thats more fun Ive made our marriage more fun which benefits both of us . My wife would say in our particular case my being out has been very positive for her as well.
As I said every relationship is different in my case we both won.I can only say how it worked for me and I would never pretend to know what others should or should not do.
I am much happier but far from being selfish I think it makes me more fun to be around as a husband, as a husband thats more fun Ive made our marriage more fun which benefits both of us . My wife would say in our particular case my being out has been very positive for her as well.
As I said every relationship is different in my case we both won.I can only say how it worked for me and I would never pretend to know what others should or should not do.
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Posted 23 September 2009 - 11:18 PM
The reason for this forum (and the others) is for a free exchange of ideas. I am not offended when someone disagrees with me and I hope others will not be disappointed if I disagree with them. Readers should be able to read both sides of a question and make up their own minds. I thank everyone for sharing and would like to hear from more of you.
#10
Posted 15 January 2010 - 08:58 PM
"our marriage seemed better when I had some man to man sex occasionally":
I've noticed that too. It's like if the faucet is "on" whatever way, it runs better.
I've noticed that too. It's like if the faucet is "on" whatever way, it runs better.
fldad46, on 18 September 2009 - 03:34 PM, said:
Well, I would love to get into an open conversation with my wife about this subject. I am bi and enjoy sucking cock but she is turned off by any thought of sex and would probably throw a fit if she knew. We have been married over 30 years and since she had female surgery, our sex life is almost non-existent. She has a lot of female friends and enjoys their company and I don't know if she has considered having sex with any of them but since she no longer has a desire for sex with me I wouldn't be surprised. I had a friend for years that I had "lunch" with from time to time, until she made some comments about my boyfriend. I made the mistake of telling him and it scared him off for a long time. He thought that she had to suspect something to say that. When she referred to him as my boyfriend, I just said yeah sure, I have a boyfriend. I thought that she might pick up on that and continue the conversation but nothing. I definitely don't want to jeopardize my marriage but would love to find something that would fire up her interest. I need another male friend because our marriage seemed better when I had some man to man sex occasionally.
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Posted 01 February 2010 - 01:43 PM
my wife made a comment about a male friend of mine once, her comment was you two act like lovers.
my reply to her was he is my lover. and she never has mentioned it again. maybe they just don't want to know that hteir husbands have a lkieking for male companionship. i know i do, i love men and always will. men are rugged and there touch is so much more jolting. and i love every inch i get.
my reply to her was he is my lover. and she never has mentioned it again. maybe they just don't want to know that hteir husbands have a lkieking for male companionship. i know i do, i love men and always will. men are rugged and there touch is so much more jolting. and i love every inch i get.
lovemen
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Posted 16 February 2010 - 05:08 AM
I think it is very hard to discuss bisexual orientation with a wife. Many of us have found that our wives have lost interest in sex, perhaps after a hysterectomy or an least after menopause. It is a relief to them if we have a 'buddy' to spend time with so they don't feel guilty about their time spent with the 'girls', shopping, playing bridge, going to movies, whatever.
Maybe "Don't ask, don't tell" applies here.
In the early years of marriage, there is the possibility of her filing for divorce after you disclose, especially if she is fundamentalist. Maybe she wants children and you don't. But in later years, especially after retirement, the two of you are comfortable - if set in your ways. Almost uniformly, the comments I see are from men who consider their wives their best friend.
Keep in mind the Klein and Kinsey scales - we are not all alike in our urges to act on our sexuality and the same applies to our urge to disclose.
Kennan thinks that disclosure could spice up sex with his wife (at least they do still have sex) - but still won't do it.
In another group recently there has been a repeat of a discussion here some years ago -- how you find excuses to spend time with a buddy. Having hobbies such as boating, fishing, hunting, camping, golfing are good, especially if your wife has no interest in them. Camping and boating can provide shelter for M2M sex; otherwise you and your buddy may have to split the cost of a motel room (unless your wives work and you can use your own home).
Frank
Maybe "Don't ask, don't tell" applies here.
In the early years of marriage, there is the possibility of her filing for divorce after you disclose, especially if she is fundamentalist. Maybe she wants children and you don't. But in later years, especially after retirement, the two of you are comfortable - if set in your ways. Almost uniformly, the comments I see are from men who consider their wives their best friend.
Keep in mind the Klein and Kinsey scales - we are not all alike in our urges to act on our sexuality and the same applies to our urge to disclose.
Kennan thinks that disclosure could spice up sex with his wife (at least they do still have sex) - but still won't do it.
In another group recently there has been a repeat of a discussion here some years ago -- how you find excuses to spend time with a buddy. Having hobbies such as boating, fishing, hunting, camping, golfing are good, especially if your wife has no interest in them. Camping and boating can provide shelter for M2M sex; otherwise you and your buddy may have to split the cost of a motel room (unless your wives work and you can use your own home).
Frank
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